What Have I become?
by lauracullen
Summary: Set before Cady came to the school. Evie moved from London and was instantly drawn into the Plastics because of her gorgeous face. She became one of the most popular girls in the school, but now she has to take a stand and be herself. Rated T for language
1. In which I receive an epiphany

PLease remember I live in England, so I will probably get some details wrong. Know matter how much my American friend explains it, I will never understand the difference between a sophomore and a freshman, whatever they are.

* * *

On Tuesday the thirteenth of May 2008, I opened my eyes, and saw what I had become.

I was sitting with Regina, Karen and Gretchen at our table in the cafeteria. Gretchen was trying to explain what Jason had done _now_, but I was the only one listening; Regina was working out the carbs in her panini on a rhinestone studded pocket calculator, and Karen was trying to catch the eye of a guy over at the next table.

"And then he said he loved me, but I swear I saw him with Taylor Waddell the other day, but I can't confront him about it, because what if it wasn't him?"

I nodded, hoping I looked sympathetic.

"Don't let him get to you Gretch. He's just some wanker who doesn't appreciate you and is totally not worth it."

Gretchen cocked her head.

"What is 'wanker'?"

I almost laughed, because I remembered what Jeremy Clarkson said about Americans. '500 million wankers living in a country with no word for wanker' but I almost cried too. They didn't have Jeremy Clarkson here. And I didn't talk about him, or anything from my old life in London. In a flash I saw myself as I was now, just another tall girl in Abercrombie sitting at the queen bee's table. The only thing that set me apart was my accent. If I didn't speak, I would fade into the crowd. How had this happened?

"Evie?"

"It's like a really stupid person"

"Oh"

"Is peanut butter fattening?"

Everyone lapsed into silence as Regina spoke, and for the first time in months; a dormant part of me screamed out _This is stupid! This is so fucking shallow I could puke!_

"Yeah, I think so." I said.

_Why do you even know that! Six months ago you didn't know anything like that! What's happened to you! _I was screaming at myself, screaming so loud, I was amazed the others couldn't hear me.

Thankfully the bell rang then, and we all got up to go to lessons.

"I'll see you guys later, luv ya!" Regina blew me a kiss and flounced off towards her classroom, short skirt bobbing. I looked down at the flamingo coloured Abercrombie tank top I had on, and wondered what it was doing there. I didn't wear things like this, I wore bold printed shirts and quirky accessories, bowler hats and hippy lace headbands. I didn't even recognise myself anymore. Vaguely I wondered where the last months had gone, and how I hadn't noticed the change. It scared me that something like this could happen without me noticing. What would happen to me next? Well, this had to stop.

My next lesson was English Lit, which had always been one of my favourite subjects, but as I tried to remember previous lessons, I realised with horror that I hadn't been interested at all, never putting my hand up to ask a question or volunteering to read.

We were reading Romeo and Juliet, and we had reached scene four.

"Now" asked Miss Erickson "who would like to read the famous Queen Mab speech?"

I raised my hand, knowing I had to correct the changes that the Plastics had wrought on me. The entire class turned to stare.

"Evie? Yes… alright, you read dearie"

The expression of pleasure on her face made me happy, and I started to read.

"O, then, I see Queen Mab hath been with you.   
She is the fairies' midwife, and she comes   
In shape no bigger than an agate-stone   
On the fore-finger of an alderman,   
Drawn with a team of little atomies   
Athwart men's noses as they lie asleep;   
Her wagon-spokes made of long spinners' legs…"

To my horror, I found that I actually had to think to remember the meanings of every phrase, instead of them dropping easily into my head like they had done before, but after a while, I felt it coming back. I loved this speech, geek that I was, no, had been. I missed my geekdom.

When I finished, the boy behind me started to read Romeo's next line. He read well, clearly and slowly, but with just enough emotion so it didn't sound robotic.

"Thank you Evie and Jake" Beamed Miss Eriksson. "That was lovely"

When I got home, I cleaned out my wardrobe. Thank God I was the type of person who never threw anything away. My old clothes were still stuffed at the back of the drawer. I chose a red leopard printed knee length prom skirt with a black netting underskirt, a grey cropped tee-shirt with Mickey mouse's face on it, and a black waistcoat, and laid them out for tomorrow. Suddenly I remembered that tomorrow was Wednesday. On Wednesday we wore pink. I opened the wardrobe again to search for a pink outfit that was more me, then closed it again.

_Fuck it. I didn't want to wear pink._

So I didn't wear pink.


	2. In which I listen to some better music

I slept fitfully, after a while I gave up and pulled my laptop out from under my bed. Opening my iTunes, I scrolled down to a song I hadn't listened to in months. Everything on my Recently downloaded playlist was (I have no clue what music is 'cool' in America, so I'm not going to bother) but the old tunes were still there underneath.

_What a drag it is  
The shape i'm in  
Well I go out somewhere  
Then I come home again._

The music soothed me in a way Regina's songs didn't. Indie Rock was unheard of in high school. Britney Spears? Yes. Razorlight? No.

_Yesterday was easy  
Happiness came and went  
I got the movie script  
But I don't know what it meant_

_I light a cigarette  
'Cause I can't get no sleep  
Theres nothing on the TV nothing on the radio  
That means that much to me  
Theres nothing on the TV nothing on the radio  
That I can believe in_

I reached over and lit a stick of incense; I didn't smoke, but the curling plumes of smoke calmed me. It didn't take long to replace all the songs on my iPod with music that actually meant something to me; U2, Radiohead, Razorlight, My Chemical Romance, Muse, The Pigeon Detectives etc. Then I went to sleep.

In the morning I nearly chickened out when I saw the outfit I'd chosen. It wasn't that I didn't like it, I loved it. But if I wore this, I would in all probably have to leave the plastics. But then, that was the price I would have to pay for being myself.

I did my makeup differently too. The plastics always wore natural eye makeup, with lashings of pink lip-gloss. Sugary-sweet, so different from what they really were. I put on more black eyeliner than usual, not enough to be emo, just enough to make my eyes stand out really dark and dramatic. Just the way I liked it.

My mum was surprised when I went downstairs, I could tell.

"You look nice darling. I haven't seen you in the for ages."

I rolled my eyes. Mum loved Abercrombie and Fitch. She could never understand that, at school at least, it wasn't a clothing brand but an attitude to life, and attitude I no longer wanted to subscribe to.

"Thanks mum. I gotta go, can I just take a muesli bar and a smoothie?"

"Sure. See you this afternoon."

I hugged my mum, with a quick "I love you" and left the house. Unlike the other plastics, I didn't have a car. I wasn't a very confident driver yet, and anyway, I enjoyed the walk. May is the first month of the year when everything is green and blossoming, but it was still nice and cool.

Suddenly Gretchen, with Karen in the passenger seat, pulled up beside me.

"Hey Evie, get in!" Karen waved enthusiastically at me.

It would have been rude to refuse, and anyway I was going to be late if I kept walking.

"Thanks guys. Hey, don't you usually ride with Regina?"

"She has a doctors appointment. Um… why aren't you wearing pink?"

I followed her gaze to me outfit. Next to Gretchen and Karen it stood out even more.

"I dunno, just, didn't feel like it today."

"But Regina won't let you sit with us"

I shrugged.

"Her problem."

Gretchen's eyes almost popped out.

"Why are you dressed so _weird?_"

"This is the way I dress."

"I think it suits her" put in Karen.

"Thanks"

There was silence.

"Hey why don't you put some music on?"

"My iPod's out of charge"

"Here, use mine."

I plugged my iPod touch into a her speakers, and put it on shuffle.

_In this farewell  
There's no blood  
There's no Alibi  
'Cause I've Drawn Regret  
From the truth  
Of a Thousand Lies_

Gretch gave me another weird look.

"Who's this?"

"Linkin Park."

She nodded, as if trying to figure something out.

"It's not bad. But Regina hates rock music."

"So? That's her business."

Neither Gretchen or Karen spoke anymore till we got to school, then we all went our separate ways.

* * *

**In case you were wondering, the songs are America by Razorlight, and What I've Done by Linkin Park. They are songs made out of awesomeness.**


	3. In which I jump out of the frying pan

English Lit again. We had reached the moment when Romeo and Juliet first spoke to each other, the sonnet they spoke together ending in a kiss. Even in London I had always taken care not to reveal that I knew this speech by heart, the product of watching the Baz Leurman version way to many time (you know, the one with Leonardo DiCaprio) and anyway, how could you actually say that you did without looking like you were showing off? I read Romeo's lines, and a girl I didn't know who sat near the front and always tried to impress Miss Eriksson read Juliet. She read well, but I got the impression she didn't really care about the words.

A girl sitting next to me passed me a note.

_Hey, what's with the outfit? _

She was blonde, but not very pretty, and dressed like an A-list wannabe. I felt a rush of annoyance. I didn't have to explain myself to her. But then I realised I was thinking like a plastic. This girl was a person, and had her own issues to sort out. To her it probably looked as if I was taking the great luck I had in being a plastic, and throwing it away.

I wrote back.

_What's wrong with it?_

_Nothing_

I didn't write back. I could excuse her for thinking what she did.

It was lunchtime, and I wandered over to the plastic's table. I probably wouldn't be able to stay there, but it would be fun to see their faces when I left them.

I sat down next to Gretch and Karen, and waited for Regina to join us. We didn't speak much, at least not about anything meaningful, but then, with the plastics, who did? I knew I would be kicked off the table, and I had considered just going to sit somewhere else of my own accord, but that would just look as if Regina had already beaten me. I had to fight this out in public, so everyone could see that I was still in control of my life.

Gretchen and Karen's heads turned automatically as Regina entered the lunch room. She bought her food, then wondered over to where we sat.

"Hi babes, how's things?"

"Great" said Gretchen.

She sat down in her usual seat and then appeared to notice me.

"Hey Evie, why aren't you wearing pink? It's Wednesday."

I chose my words carefully, so it didn't look as though I had calculated anything.

"Oh, I didn't really feel like pink today. Not in the mood, you know. Would you like me to go sit somewhere else?"

I stood up, determined to take the initiative.

Gretchen blinked, her eyes flicking from me to Regina like a ping pong ball. Regina looked nonplussed though; she shot me her dazzling smile.

"I think you better had."

"Alright. Love ya guys!"

I smiled at Karen and Gretchen, ignoring Regina, and walked away. Inside, I was shaking, but I felt oddly proud of myself. I'd handled that quite well, I thought.

I thought.

Usually someone kicked off the plastic's table went to sit with the Wannabees, and I could see they were expecting me to sit with them. I saw the blonde who'd passed me a note in English pull out a chair and smile at me, but I moved on.

Suddenly I saw Jake, the boy who'd read Romeo in English the other day. He sat at a table in the corner of the room, with a straggly haired emo girl in tattered black clothes and overweight, slightly dorky looking guy. On impulse, I went over to them.

"Hey, is it ok if I sit with you guys?"

The girl looked up, shocked, but Jake nodded.

"Sure."

I sat down.

"It's Jake right? From English Lit?"

"Yeah"

"Hi, I'm Evie"

"Yeah… I know. Um, this is Janis" he gestured at the emo girl "and Damien."

"Hey, nice to meet you!"

I tried to sound enthusiastic, but inside I was so nervous, especially of Janis. The way she'd looked at me when I walked up to their table; it was as if she really hated me.

"So, how come you're not sitting with Regina?" She asked, as if it was a casual question.

I shrugged.

"Pink isn't really my colour."

"You wore it every Wednesday before."

"Yeah, well sometimes it's possible to have enough of Regina's rules"

"Really? You never really seemed like that kind of person?"

"What kind of person?"

"The rebellious type."

"Well, you don't know much about me."

Jake waved his hand up and down between us.

"Hello? Earth to Janis and Evie? You could cut the tension between you guys with a chainsaw."

I shook my head.

"Yeah, sorry."

I looked at Jake then, I mean properly looked. He was about half a head taller than me, with dark, slightly curling hair and hazel eyes framed by long eyelashes. He was actually quite hot, but that was the last thing on my mind right now. Besides, I already had a boyfriend.

Oh yeah. Mike. I hadn't thought about him for a while, what with my whole 'who am I?' dilemma, and also because, to be honest, I didn't feel that much for him. I went out with him because… well, he was popular, and hot, and I guess I was flattered that he was interested in me. Back when he first asked me out I was still revelling in the idea that the most popular girls in the school were actually my friends, and I'd said yes without thinking. Ever since then we'd been one of the hottest couples in school. I supposed I'd have to break up with him now. I supposed that should have made me sad, but I didn't really feel anything. The relationship wasn't platonic, far from it, although we hadn't gone all the way yet, but it was emotionless, at least on my side.

I bumped into Mike after lunch, on the way to Chemistry. He tried to act pleased to see me, but I knew he'd already have heard about what had happened at lunch.

"Hey baby, what's up?"

He tried to kiss me on the check, but I moved away.

"Look, Mike… I think we should break up. This just isn't working out for me."

"What? Why? Look, I know what happened with Regina, but it'll all blow over, just wait and see. You'll be back at that table tomorrow."

"No, I won't Mike. Look, it's over, ok?"

He nodded.

"Ok."


	4. In which I land in the fire

It's hilarious actually; the way people react to me. They're so used to regarding me with a kind of hero worship, and with my all too obvious fall from any kind of grace, and my strange clothes and music; I'm an oddity. Which I'm finding suits me quite well. I always found the stares as I walked down the corridor irritating, but now they come from something I did, instead of just being the Queen Bee's lackey, it's fun.

Each day I made a point to dress completely differently, I didn't want anyone to try and classify my new look. Today, a very conservative blue sundress from American Eagle looked much better with a black waistcoat and a blue velvet hippy band in my hair. I grinned and plugged in my iPod, choosing a song that totally matched my mood. I felt on top of the world.

_I take it in stride; One day at a time_

_If I ask no questions I'll hear no lies_

_How come blessings only come in disguise?_

_Try them on for size as I vocalize._

"Lalalala" I hummed along to the cheery track as I grabbed my books from my locker and headed for Trig. Suddenly there was an 'ahem' behind me. I turned and saw Regina with the other plastics. In her no doubt designer heels, she was a few centimetres taller than me in black ballet flats.

"Hey Evie, what's up?"

_What?_

"Not much, you know, normal crap."

"Yeah. You know, those clothes rules are kind of stupid anyway, you should come sit with us again."

Wow. I made Regina George relax her strictest rule, within a _week_. I hadn't expected that. And now I had to make a decision.

"Well, I promised I'd sit with Jake and Janis today, maybe tomorrow?"

You know what was worth the social alienation all on it's own? Seeing Regina George speechless.

"Janis? Janis _Ian_? You'd rather sit with Janis the _Dyke_ than us?

I knew what she was saying. _Say yes and you will be branded a lesbian for the rest of your school life. _

Shit what do I do? Oh god I'm going to regret this.

"Yeah, I think so."

Oh shit. I regretted it.


End file.
